Take the 30-day test drive

The other day I came across an ad informing me that I could try out a mattress for 30 days and if I wasn’t satisfied, I could return it for a full refund.

Now that is just disgusting. Who wants a used mattress?

Somewhere in this world there must be a warehouse peddling 30-day-old reject mattresses.

Are these what some places call reconditioned mattresses? Hmm? Kind of makes you think, huh? You may have gotten a bargain when you bought that pillow toped wonder, but did you bargain to be sleeping where Billy Ray and Norma slept?

Of course, if it was a previously owned celebrity mattress, maybe those of us who are say overly star struck would be tempted to take a roll in the hay. Could even be an asset.

Imagine this: Young Robby Cartwright has finally found what he hopes is his first love-- only Robby isn’t the smoothest tool in the tackle box.
So he goes up to Miss Emily Post and says, “You wanna sit on that? Britney Spears once owned it. Really. This is one special mattress.”

Miss Emily is not of the star struck variety and realizes the mattress is what it is-- full of nasty little germs (They all are. This in no way implies that Britney Spears has a germy mattress) and leaves immediately.

And so this ad got me thinking. If we can return mattresses, why can’t we have a 30-day trial on other things?

For instance, all cars run perfectly on the car lot. They are shiny and next to some of the cars I’ve seen around town, they are visions of the good life-- while on the lot anyway.

When my husband and I shopped for our most recently deceased car, he stepped onto the car lot and was immediately transferred to his pretend life. In his pretend life, we camp and own an RV, boat and a couple of quads. We need a sturdy SUV for hauling stuff. We’re haulers and campers and adventurers. He needs a tow strap, a V-8 and three rows of seats.

And we need a truck because we can haul stuff in that too. All the time. Hauling is our No.1 favorite activity. If my husband could own a dump truck, he’d have one so he could move our leaves and pine needles around all day.

Unfortunately, this is not our reality. I camp-- sometimes. Actually, I am camping at this very moment because I have 30 days to try out my tent before it’s too late to return it to K-Mart and I want to get every second in to make sure “it’s the one.”

Anyway, my husband bought me this enormous gas-guzzling Expedition and we never went on any expeditions-- until I convinced him to sell it.

Now if we’d had the 30-day money back guarantee, I could have used the 30 days to show him the errors of his ways (mainly the gas receipts).

Other things I think should come with guarantees are fresh flowers. Do you know how many times I’ve received flowers only to have them wrinkle up and die on me?
I say if the flowers turn brown before the week is up, send them back.

I can see where this could go wrong though.

Billy Ray takes Norma Jean out on a date and gives her this enormous bouquet of flowers. Norma is thrilled. How generous of her sweetie!

Then just as he goes in for a kiss goodnight (before telling her about his genuine pre-owned celebrity mattress), he says, “Now, Norma I need those flowers back. You liked them right, but they have to be back by noon tomorrow or they are going to charge my VISA card.”

Terrible, huh?

But you know, you really don’t need a 30-day guarantee on all things.

Be resourceful.

Do like my mother and I did one Valentines Day.

There we were standing in Rite Aide and looking at all the Valentines when I said, “Hey mom, if I were to send you a card, I’d send you this one.”

Now I am ashamed to say we call each other on our cell phones and read cards to each other just prior to the holidays.

And we have never been disappointed.


* previously published in the Paradise Post 8-12-06-- and here today because I'm too lazy to be creative at the moment.