Court-- Proof that ponytails and the yearly bath never went out of style

I jumped out of the shower, gave my head three good shakes and stuffed myself into the thong-bearing K-mart jeans I'd bought especially for this occasion. Damn I look H-O-T, I thought as I flip-flopped out the door. I was officially under cover.

You see, as part of a Administration of Justice assignment I had to attend court for the day-- and I certainly didn't want to feel out of place. You've got to assimilate in these kinds of situations, and since I couldn't sit with the prosecution, I might as well look like the next one up for arraignment.

Jerry Springer never had it so lucky as about a hundred of Butte County’s finest eligible wife beaters, drug users, shop lifters and drunken crazy drivers proved ponytails (the mullet and greasy base of the neck variety) and the yearly bath never went out of style. Yes, these people do exist.
Their genes are in the gene pool, and they could be coming for your children (not yours or mine but the other “yours” of the world).

From my seat in the audience there were no big surprises. Everyone essentially wore their offense labeled on his or her shirt. In fact it was the nice shirt on the well groomed, good looking guy that gave away his offense. Shoplifting. Looking good in a courtroom either means you are first time offender who still has an ounce of respect for the court and wants to plead for mercy, a defendant who is guilty as sin and want to detract from your offenses or that you are a shoplifter who just scored some goods at the local JC Penney‘s.

He is not that smart. What shoplifter would actually want to look good in court? Aren’t you in a weird way proving you’re a good thief? Maybe not. Maybe you just have a good job and a lot of respect for the court, right? I don’t think so-- he was too slick and too calm and now he’s banished from Wal-Mart. Somebody better call Penny’s fast because they’ve got a hot one in the building stuffing his pants.

Another lady proved that some women really are stupid. Again a shirt gave her away as the stupid woman verified my suspicions that her husband was a wife beater. There she was in court, her fingers wrapped around her husband’s shirt sleeve like it was her last life line on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.“ Her head rested on his collar- pathetic. You aren't anybody's spaniel lady-- come on get some self respect. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.
Stupid lady stood by her man, or more accurately hovered on the gate into the trial area. She was like a beaten cat in heat-- stupid, stupid, stupid. The verdict: fines, probation and the completion of a 32-week domestic violence course.

Oh, but wait-- here comes the excuse. They’re moving to Redding. Can’t he just pay a fine? No he can go to Redding’s 52-week course. Oh, bother he decides to drive back to Butte once a week so he can learn to stop using his wife for kickboxing practice. The judge tacked on something extra silly for good measure-- the “nice as pie” restraining order of the day. He was ordered to be nice to his wife and do nothing that makes her feel bad about herself, hurts her or leaves any visible marks upon her body. Now there is a woman with power only she’s too stupid to use it. And the loved ones left the building holding hands and (vomit) kissing. Life is like a box of chocolates and I wonder what kind he’s ordered up for her today.

But love is what court is all about, right? Every defendant facing jail time has a disabled loved one, a grandma or 10 feral children whom he or she cares for when they aren’t breaking the law. Their pursuit of Florence Nightingale-like attributes should excuse them from jail time (in their minds at least). Who can send a saint to jail? Think of the poor starving children and the bedridden grandmas. Don’t think about the fact that they have failed to appear once before and already have two other priors for drunk driving and possession of narcotics.

Though the worst excuse was this guy who said he was moving on the assigned day. He couldn’t go to jail because he was moving into another house down the block and has no friends or family besides his wife and two small children to help him. What ever is he going to do? Apparently go to jail for five days because this judge didn’t fall off the judge’s bench yesterday and bonk her head. She’s no fool.

Her patience ran deeper and was greater than the pocket lining of Exxon executives. I don’t know how her sanity remains in tact dealing with defendants whose brains stopped in time at the exact moment they started offending. Thirty-year-old men and women acted like prepubescent tweens sneaking a joint behind their parent’s back-- and these are the “saints” caring for the children, disabled and elderly.

Damn I feel dirty.