To be or not to be-- that is the question

I went expecting about 20 or 30 people. If the directors were willing to consider a 3 year old, then they must be pretty desperate. I thought it's going to be a breeze. I've already got a part, right? Right? They did ask me to audition.

Just hours before, I scrounged through my old play books and decided the best bet as far as memorizing in less than 3 hours with a two kids hanging off my legs and one whining in the background was a monologue by Helena from "A Midsummer's Night's Dream."

It had been 15 years or so since I'd "been" Helena, but hey I still pretty much knew the lines, right? I'm an old pro. I've done this a thousand times before-- well, 10 years ago the doing stopped, but I'm sure acting is like riding a bike, right?

But I wasn't prepared for how 10 years of mommyhood had changed me. When I arrived at the theater, there were like 100 people. I know, I know 100 people is nothing, but this was a little theater.

I started sweating. I rethought allowing my 3 year-old to recite Jack and Jill. She's too young. I tried to talk my 5 and 8 year old out of auditioning. We'd just go home and pop popcorn. They'd have none of it.

And so I waited. I sweated. I almost vomited. It was a full blown Vegal response to stress. It's a miracle I didn't pass out on the floor and drool on the carpet.

To make matters worse, Abby leaned over and said, "Mom, I can't remember Humpty Dumpty."
Then I realized I couldn't remember if Helena said "one of the first like coats in heraldry" or was it coats in chivalry or coats in Khol's for me. Damn!

But I had no time to sweat or to tell Abby that all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty together again.

My name was called and then . . .